I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
BaD BoY!!
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.