I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King