I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
You Might Also Like
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
When I laugh on my period
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling