I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
🐕🍷
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
peep davidson
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?