I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

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I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.


When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?


My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.


Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]


3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.


i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest


I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?


Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….