@SaltyMacTavish

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

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@Quartzjixler

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

@AnniemuMary

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

@slimmy_shady

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

@simoncholland

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

@dril

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

@Adyaces

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….