im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”