I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*