I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Just got to our Airbnb!
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The 4 stages of a family vacation