I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.