I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
my favorite genre of twitter
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.