I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Order here:
More here:
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations