i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
🤣🤣💀
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*