I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.