I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby