I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*