Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

January has been Januweary

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

As per my last nervous breakdown

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks