I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
This made me smile…
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask