“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread