I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
BaD BoY!!
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.