I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
And now we wait
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?