I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.