Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”