“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.