I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.