I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
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Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Dolls on drugs
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
me, too, girl. me, too.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.