I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.