I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*