@littlegiinge

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

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@kibblesmith

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

@imdaintyaf

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

@egg_dog

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

@RickAaron

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

@WritePlay

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

@AmishSuperModel

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

@DevilryFun

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

@sportsjeans

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side