@littlegiinge
@kibblesmith But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You Might Also Like
@kibblesmith 
@jackiembouvier I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
@imdaintyaf I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
@egg_dog Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
@RickAaron Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
@WritePlay *Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
@AmishSuperModel *maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
@DevilryFun HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
@sportsjeans free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side