@littlegiinge

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

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@vladchoc

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

@robdelaney

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

@TheHyyyype

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

@rtothegow

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@ilovepie84

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

@TheAlexNevil

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation