I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.


I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.


I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.


Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…


Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.


Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.


*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”


*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*


HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.


free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side