I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”


My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤


you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic


Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.


My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn


Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.


I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.


1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation