I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying