I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Ghost costume 😂
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time