I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T