I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Awesome parenting 😂