im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
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be safe out there!
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
😭😭
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.