“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Buying a well is money well spent.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like