I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

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I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.


Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!


“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.


Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.


Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP


her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?


*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry


That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?


[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok