I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?