The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.