@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

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@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

@Overdue_Bills

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@11111234567890a

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@kiel_phillips

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

@TheSharona06

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.