I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
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why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER