I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine