I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
What a year we’ve had this week.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance