I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost