I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
#oldknees
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”