I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that