I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
You Might Also Like
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!