Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.