I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment