I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I occasionally drink every single night.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…