I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.