I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain鈥檛 gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet 鉂わ笍馃枙鉂わ笍
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it鈥檚 an episode of housewives
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook