I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Many hands make light work
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Beware of the “party goblin”…
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant