I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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🤣could you imagine
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.