I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s