I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
hmmm
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.