I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I think I’ll stand
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
NASA has no chill
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.