I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Perfect
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?