I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
New mindset, who dis?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.