Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

oh u like geography? name every lake

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

ㅤ

Now, where’s the sport in that?

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia