I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
they really do be looking like this
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Don’t snitch tag.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]